If you have a delicate stomach, I would stop reading now… it is a bit of a soppy post.
My names Kim and I like a good moan! I am moody and over sensitive. Sometimes I expect too much from people. Sometimes I expect too much from myself.
I have a busy life, I work full time as does my husband in challenging jobs, we have two boys aged two and a half and four and a half. Life pretty much consists of children, work, house chores, seeing family, having family time and so on and so on. I suffer quite a bit with anxiety, low mood and negative automatic thoughts and this can sometimes (often) be misconstrued for moodiness, ungratefulness and “glass half empty” syndrome. It’s quite the opposite to how my husband thinks, which can be difficult for me at times, but inspiring at others. I wish I could be more like him in that sense. I often feel that life is hard, life is tough. I often feel fatigued and at the end of my tether. It is my hubby and children that are often at the brunt end of this unfortunately. I have engaged in some talking therapy recently which has helped a little with my negative automatic thoughts and I have some big changes in my life – new job, new home. Anyway, what I guess I am coming to is that I often forget, fail to see or understand that I have a really good life. I get embroiled in money worries, anger at the cost of the child care, tiredness, body worries, image insecurities, mummy guilt – you get the drift.
This week, I was on a training course with work and I was sat next to a girl called Amy. We had never met before, and will never meet again. We were asked to take part in an exercise called “my perfect partner”. We were armed with flip chart paper, felt tip pins, post it notes, stickers – you get the drift. We started our shopping list of qualities we would want our perfect partner to have. Family man – check, attractive (tall, dark and handsome) – check, great dad – check, complimentary – check, loves me for me – check , actually likes me as a person – check, enjoy spending time together – check, does the house work (with out expecting a medal) – check, supportive – check, romantic – check. The list went on and on. Both of us, giggling – oohing and aahing in agreement with each other. Half way through the exercise we looked at each other and smiled “I feel pretty smug”, she said. “This list is what I have already got!”, I said. We laughed, eager to share our “perfect partner” with the rest of the group and tell them just how true it all was.
I do often have those moment’s where I think “why am I wingeing and moaning” but it doesn’t stop me wingeing and moaning! But, it isn’t often we get the opportunity to get these things down on paper – brightly coloured with heart shaped post -it’s! It was a bit of a light bulb moment and it made me give myself a metaphorical telling off. It wasn’t just about the hubby, but the life I have too. I am almost thirty and if I had looked into the future 6 years ago – I would never had envisaged what I have now AT ALL. We have each other – a happy marriage, two beautiful baby boys, our own home which we have worked so incredibly hard to get, we have some wonderful family around us and some great friends too. We have careers and ambitions. We have our health. We have opportunities, plans and dreams. I have a man that loves me for me, and worships the ground that I walk on!
I want to write a lot more but I feel a bit shy about it.
I think this really is a bit of a post to myself that I can look back on to remind myself next time time I having a low day – things are good! I took a photo of my perfect man chart and I have promised myself next time I am moaning about something quite insignificant I will look back on it as a symbol of my reality.
It doesn’t mean I will stop moaning, it’s a woman’s prerogative right?! The anxiety and low mood is still a work in progress too but I am trying to be more positive to remind myself each day how lucky I am.